Sever not the Lily flower lest you bleed in the mud
by Nhaz
Summary: Severus Snape realises he's about to call Lily Evans a Mudblood and stops himself. What does the future hold for them? I promise I will not whitewash Severus or bash James. Written because I am not very fond of stories in which he is forgiven for saying the word, but I still like Lily/Sev. Reviews would be appreciated.
1. One single word

"I don't need help from-"

The words tumbled from his mouth before the dreadful realisation of what he was about to say hit him like the curses he and Potter often threw at each other. Severus paused, concentrating his will in order to calm down and not let any more of the foul words pour out.

_'I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her'_, the thought echoed faintly through his mind like a drop of venom splashing in a caudron.

Would he really do such a thing? Call his best friend a Mudblood of all things? Severus shuddered. How had he let such a thought worm its way to his brain and almost to his lips? He was disgusted with himself. To call her such a name, and in front of her, not that it would matter any. He could not bear the possibility of him insulting her like that, whether she heard it or not.

"I don't need help from anyone", he managed.

Still shaking from the shock and shame, he felt around, trying to find his wand. Finally his fingers clutched it and he pushed himself up, glaring at the gathered crowd. Always ready for a show, weren't they. Their jeers "Snivellus Greasy" filled the air, causing Severus to curl his lip in derision. Five years and they still hadn't come up with anything more original. No matter. They would pay now for all the humiliation. He noticed that some of them were already pointing their wands at him. He would still take down more than one, of that he was certain.

Just as he prepared to conjure his signature curse, Lily barreled through the students, shoving Potter and Black aside, and rushed to him, clutching his shoulders.

"Sev, are you alright?", she panted. "Please tell me you're not hurt!"

Severus saw Potter gawk, his eyes bulging like those of a house elf. But then suddenly Lily was all he had eyes for, separated from the rest as if by a veil. He honestly wondered how she was sharing a universe with scum like Potter and Black. Or, for that matter, himself.

"I'm fine, Lily, thanks", he muttered, "there is no need-"

He tried to tell Lily that she didn't have to sully her reputation by defending him in public, but Potter's sneer interrupted him:

"There, Evans, for once I agree with the greasy git, he's fine on his own."

"Brave man you are, Potter", she shot back, "bullying people, four against one, the epitome of House Gryffindor. You'll leave him alone or you'll deal with me."

"Oh, Evans, some on", the bespectacled Gryffindor continued sleazily, "don't tell me you have it in yourself to stand up for old Snivelly. I mean he is miserable, no denying that, but to act like this just because you pity him..."

He had to say it, didn't he. Severus ground his teeth. The prat. And right he was - Lily was only doing this out of pity. That was the best Severus could hope to ever receive from her, anyway. But to hear his sentence from James Potter's mouth and in front of the girl he loved was unbearable. He dipped his head and closed his eyes, wishing to sink into the ground. To become blind and deaf so as to not hear Lily's confirmation, and invisible. Would that he had an invisibility cloak now, like the one Potter and company used so often to terrorise him.

A loud, resounding smack caused him to look up. The owner of the cloak in question was clutching his cheek, shifting his weight from one leg to the other as Lily had whirled, facing him, and was now pinning him in place with a murderous stare.

"His name", she said icily, punctuating every word, "is Severus. He is my friend and I'll have you know, Potter, that standing up for their friends is what normal people do in this world. Of course I do not expect you to know that by yourself, because you have no real friends, only idiots like you who just follow you around because you play Quidditch, ruffle your hair and hex people for fun. Pick on my friend again and I will personally make sure you can never fly a broom for the rest of your life."

All the students were standing still, listening to her deceptively quiet tone, and no one dared to break the stunned silence which followed.

"What are you looking at, all of you?", Lily's voice was five octaves higher now. "GET LOST! _NOW!_"

One by one they obeyed, terrified by seeing the normally calm and cheerful Gryffindor prefect so furious that she was wailing like a banshee. Potter finally moved to leave the scene as well, looking utterly dejected and leaning on Black for support as if he was physically hurt. The prat had some nerve. He had to make a sham out of it, didn't he. Always looking for attention. Though for a brief moment their eyes met and Severus saw a flash of something beyond mere indignation. If he didn't know any better, he would say the git was sincerely ashamed of himself. But he banished the thought, wishing to waste no brain power on James Potter. Lily was there, with him, and if there was anything he wanted right now, it was to take her in his arms and kiss her and bask in her presence. Yet somehow Severus sensed indignation simmering inside him, like a snake hissing in defeat. He had looked so powerless in front of Lily, helpless, weak. How was he to ever touch her or tell her what he felt if she made him look so pathetic merely by being there?

He was still standing with his head bowed, unable to look at Lily and hiding his face beneath jet black locks. A surge of satisfaction coursed through him as he thought of Potter walking away in defeat. Lily's tone was the same vindictive one she had used before, when she had tried to convince him to abandon the companionship of Avery and Mulciber. Finally she was seeing them for the rotten bullies they were, finally she was taking his side, standing together with him. But in the shadow of his triumph, guilt started to creep. How was he himself worth Lily's effort if he would call her something so revolting, had she not declared their friendship for all to hear?

"Sev", Lily's voice, now worried, pulled him out of his grim thoughts. "Sev, why are you not saying anything? Are you cross with me? I only wanted to help."

"Lily", Severus said, gazing into her emerald eyes which never failed to mesmerise him. "I could never be cross with you. I-"

_I love you_, he wanted to tell her, but felt that after what he had almost said, it was anything but appropriate. Before he knew what he was doing, Severus lifted his arms and put them around the girl's waist in a clumsy, hesitant embrace. Then he froze, biting his lip in panic. He was most certainly not supposed to be doing something like this. What if Lily got scared by their proximity, or worse, deduced his feelings for her? Severus was absolutely convinced that whatever happened between them, his friend would never care for him the same way he did for her. Most likely she would run away in horror and never want to look at him again. He had to conceal his feelings until they died away, though Severus was doubtful that they ever would. So as much as he pained him, he started to withdraw, feeling like he had stolen that moment of closeness.

"Th- Thank you, Lily", he stammered, blushing. He hadn't thought that further embarrassment was possible, yet was again being proved wrong.

Not half a second later, he felt himself being pulled to Lily as she wrapped her hands around his neck. Severus' breath stopped. It wasn't possible. It was a dream. He was being hugged back. By Lily Evans no less, the girl he was in love with. Friends though they were, rarely if ever had he dared to be so close to her, for fear he might fall apart. Severus was overwhelmed with happiness, he, the filthy and unclean, being touched by that angelic being. All the same, he gave in to the sensation of the girl's body so close to his own that he was certain she was feeling his heart thumping wildly, as if to break his ribs.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, at least to him, Lily released the boy, though keeping her hands on his arms.

"Anytime, Sev", she beamed. "Now, I have some doubts about what I wrote at the OWLs, care to discuss?"

So that's what it was. Just a friendly hug. What had he been thinking? Lily would never be attracted to the likes of him. Severus mentally berated himself. Every second spent with her was a moment of perfection to cherish and appreciate.

"Come on", the girl elbowed him in the chest. "Second one to the lake shore is a Crumple-Horned Snorkack!"

Crumple-Horned Snorkack. Severus snorted. Wherever had she picked that up? Sounded an awful lot like the ramblings of that creature-obsessed unkempt weirdo, Xenophilius Lovegood. Regardless, it didn't seem to be a title he was eager to earn. Severus chuckled and raced after Lily.


	2. Prejudice and pride

They glossed over each and every word written in their essays, how and why things were said, which was better, but Lily's mind couldn't stay focused on the Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. Severus was absorbed by the subject, ardently defending his claims as to why the Mind Arts should not be considered Dark magic, but Lily was only half listening. Sitting cross-legged on the grass next to her friend, she was replaying in her memory the moment directly after she had rushed to his help, when he declared he was in no need of help. It made her reminisce about conversations with him earlier that year, when he would gush about how powerful this or that curse was, how it turned a wizard into a one-man army able to conquer worlds all alone.

The boy's words a while ago, when he had angrily rejected any aid despite needing it so obviously, had eerily reminded her of those past clashes that had sometimes made their friendship feel strained. Clashes which would often escalate in fights about his classmates who were whispering in his ears, whispering about how power and blood were inseparably linked together. Another memory rose in her head, a memory of him scowling as her ideas earned him compliments from Slughorn on the rare occasions his own would backfire. And now there was this outburst and the shadow of wrath she had seen in his eyes for a split second before shame had taken over. Dread started to fill her as she pieced the facts together, not wanting to admit the possibility of it. How had she been so blind? A Mudblood, simple, stupid, good-for-nothing Mudblood that did not know her place, was that all she was to him? That couldn't be it, Lily stubbornly insisted before herself, remembering how many times she had called that small smile on his face she knew was just between the two of them. There had to be another reason for him to feel embarrassed at her help. Yet once the this terrible suspicion occurred to her, she knew it would not leave her conscience until it consumed her or until she truly saw what Severus thought of her. So she let him finish his sentence and after a short silence drew a breath and asked:

"Sev, back there you said you didn't need the help of... who, exactly? Before you fixed yourself and said 'anyone', I mean."

The abrupt question caught him by surprise. This wasn't boding well.

"Well..."He fumbled. "You see, Lily..."

She frowned.

"Sev? I thought we were honest with each other."

Severus just stood, letting out a desperate sigh. Could it be? She steeled herself and asked him the dreadful question.

"Did you mean something along the lines of 'a Muggleborn' by any chance?"

"What?" He almost jumped, as if hit by a stinging hex. "No! Lily, why would you think of that?"

"Well, considering your companions as of late, I am starting to worry."

Severus threw her a look that said 'how can you not believe me', but it was almost instantly replaced by a frantic expression.

"It wasn't that, Lily, remember when I told you it doesn't make a difference? I'd never call you out on being Muggleborn."

"Then what was it, Sev?", she pressed, her voice raising. Several second-years sitting nearby turned their heads and giggled. Insipid creatures. She glared at them, patting her prefect badge, then returned her attention to Severus. He was biting his lip and pinching the bridge of his hooked nose.

"Alright... You will hate me", he said miserably.

"Spit it out, will you?"

He waved his hands about, eyes darting, looking as if put on trial for treason. If the wrong word - that is, the one she was suspecting - slipped from his lips, it would really become a trial.

"You see, I didn't mean that... But... I was in a moment of humiliation... and my emotions got the better of me..."

Oh, excuses. Lily's lips drew into a tight line. The favourite rhetoric of Slytherins, wasn't it.

"So you did mean to call me a Mudblood!"

Severus winced.

"No, Lily, it wasn't that!"

Interesting, what would he come up with? Lily spoke slowly, sternly, measuring every word, because with that sentence she was deciding the future of their entire friendship.

"If you don't tell me now, I will be forced to conclude you're lying to me, Severus." Her voice was quivering and her eyes started to sting at the very thought of Sev betraying her like this. "And I have to tell you that if it's true, we can no longer be friends."

"It wasn't that", he insisted, "but you'll be cross with me for what it really was, too."

Now what would be as offensive as calling her a Mudblood? She crossed her arms, huffing.

"Really? Try me."

"Right... Well, how do I say this... Lily, you're my friend and I have always accepted you as an equal if not a better person than myself..." How did he have the nerve to look at her eyes while saying that. "And what I will say should not make you think otherwise..."

Lily narrowed her eyes. If he knew what was good for him, he would admit it already. She resolved to add a new hex for each second he delayed the admittance. No, not for meaning to call her a Mudblood. For lying about it.

"Be very careful about what you are going to say."

"Well, when a man... finds himself in a dangerous or otherwise... um... uncomfortable predicament", Severus started, as if he was a very anxious professor holding a lecture in front of a huge and very stern audience, peppering his speech with magniloquent, inflated terms, obviously to cover his embarrassment, "and fails to overcome it, instead relying on someone else's aid, especially if that person happens to be a woman he... I mean he is... in a close relationship with... It- it may be in an entirely platonic sense, of course, and he cares about her... a great deal... In classic literature, such a man is depicted as dishonored and with wounded pride if he depends on the aforementioned woman to save him instead of the reverse and that spirit has always been instilled into me since my early childhood", he finished rapidly in one breath, as if saying a tongue-twister. "To be a strong man, which I am not", he added pathetically.

Lily listened to his monologue, at first tense, but then as her fears subsided, she relaxed and at the end was barely resisting the urge to giggle. So Sev did like her after all, as the other girls never failed to mention. Or at least so it seemed from his stammering about caring for her a great deal. Then again, he had stressed upon it being platonic. Lily studied her friend who was staring back with a guilty expression, as if he was brought before the Wizengamot and didn't know whether his testimony would get him a clearance or a heavier sentence. She felt angry at him for suggesting she was weaker because of her gender, but it was sweet, in a way. Lily was confused. Could it really be that Severus had romantic feelings for her?

"So what you meant was that you did not need the help of a girl?", she asked more pointedly than intended.

Severus looked outright panicked.

"I... I do not truly feel that way about you, Lily, that stupid instinct of the knight in shining armour overtook me..."

Right. So it had been just a general statement. Of course. How could he be attracted to his Muggleborn friend. Lily was getting ashamed for ever considering otherwise. Sev had merely meant to reassure her that they were friends and nothing else. He was probably pining after one of those cold, haughty Slytherin girls, anyway. Now they would play damsels and not lift a finger to help him out. Maybe that was what he really needed after all.

Why was she getting so worked-up about the idea of Severus not liking her as a girl? Where was this coming from? She had certainly never seen him this way, had she? Well, she had wondered several times about what it would be like to kiss him, but the again most boys at school had been an object of such pondering as well. Lily furrowed her brows and peered at him, which apparently made him confused. She started thinking back to various snippets from their time together. The way his face always lit up when she smiled at him and called him Sev. The way he puffed out his chest when he was explaining something to her. The looks he threw her at certain times. The look with which he was regarding her now.

No, she was imagining things. In no way could she count any of this as solid proof to back up her suspicions. And she had heard it from his mouth now - Severus Snape did not feel that way about her. Meaning, he was not attracted to her. But what surprised her was her own reaction. She was supposed to take such an affirmation with relief, to be glad that there were no obstacles to their friendship. Lily felt the blush creeping on her face and decided to change the topic and make sure that at least her initial fears were unfounded.

"Oh, Sev", she laughed, trying to hide her sudden nervousness behind relief, "and here I thought that this pureblood supremacy rubbish was getting to your head."

"No, Lily, there is no such thing." He then peered at her in realisation, looking startled. "Wait, does that mean you are not cross with me?"

"No, I am not", she lifter her nose up, "though by all means I should be. Wounded male pride, you say. You are a strong man, never forget that."

Severus' shoulders sagged despite the compliment.

"It-it's just that... you see, Lily, you defended me and I don't feel like I've ever done the same for you."

Lily couldn't help but smile. Platonic or not, Sev loved her, and that made her happy. But not if he only sought to protect her and no one else. She had to make him understand and though this was hardly the place or the time, she decided to give it another try.

"It just hasn't been necessary, Sev", she said and put her hand on his. "But please, if there's something to protect me from, it's those crusades against Muggleborn. And I'm not talking about just myself, Avery, Mulciber and the rest are a danger to all of us and standing up for just me is as good as not standing up for anyone."

"About that, Lily... I've been having some thoughts lately. Maybe it would really be better for me to stop associating with them."

That was new.

"Not that I don't agree, Sev, but what's with the sudden change of heart?"

"It has to do with what you've been telling me, mostly."

"Really? I've been saying the same over and over again for ages and you never seemed to catch on. Are you certain you're not saying this just to appease me?"

"No, Lily. But the way you spoke about the Marauders when they were bullying me", he started to explain, "caused me to actually compare them to Mulciber and the others and I saw that they are not so different. I do mean it, I swear to you, I swear it by... I don't know, by the Giant Squid!"

Lily was a bit startled at him vowing that he doubted his Death Eater friends, but decided to trust him for now. It was going to be harder than that, she knew it.

"Spoken like a true knight from the depths...", she accented the word, making a pun with the Giant Squid, "... of classic literature. Or rather, a Prince."

"Prince Severus of the Squid-infested Depths... I feel as stupid as Sir Cadogan now." Severus let out a strained laugh, obviously not catching the pun on his nickname.

He actually laughed, that was some progress, Lily thought. He looked way more handsome when he did. Handsome? Since when did she gawk at Sev? She tried not to dwell on his possible feelings for her - or hers for him, a tiny voice in her head reminded. This was a friendship moment and she wouldn't ruin it with doubts and fears.

"You shouldn't. But do be more accepting of my help next time", Lily chimed, "my Prince."

She noticed that Severus had taken her hand in his and was leaning slightly toward her, smiling with an expression that was in equal measures happy and bewildered. He was slightly blushing and Lily felt that so was she as a sudden urge to kiss him rose. Maybe the moment was to turn into something more after all.

No, she decided and pulled away, casting her eyes down. She had to know first whether this feeling was real. And also, of course what was happening in Sev's head. He could really harbour such feelings for her and to act without knowing her own would crush him should it turn out she could not return them. But what if, despite all the signs most girls would interpret as attraction, it was nothing of the sort? Or worse yet, what if he had taken to lightly flirting with her and had some intentions, but nothing serious? She was quite certain Severus would not attempt anything like that, but still, boys were boys and their way of thinking was, for the most part, an enigma to Lily.

All these thoughts passed through her head in a single moment in which she took a breath and rose from the grass, looking anywhere but at him.

"Hey, Sev", she piped, donning a smile that was a tad too cheerful, "You have to study some more for Ancient Runes tomorrow, so I'm going to go and read for Care for magical creatures on Tuesday."

Sev looked rather dejected, but tried not to show it. This was his only free moment - tomorrow he had Ancient Runes, which Lily hadn't taken, and then she knew he would dedicate himself to studying alchemy for two days straight.

"Well", he began hesitantly, standing up as well, "can't you do that later? I mean we've barely had the time to see each other the last month."

"I already promised Mary we'd study today", Lily lied quickly.

"But you have the weekend", insisted Severus. "and I can study later, I only need a quick revision."

"We have Potions on Monday, Sev", she smiled apologetically, "with today and tomorrow they make the three exams you want to ace. We both know how mad you'll be if you have one point below the maximum on any of those, so I'd hate to waste your time."

"I told you", the boy protested, looking at her imploringly, "I have enough time."

"Severus Snape", she jabbed her index finger at him, "I will not serve as the reason for your sleep deprivation and subsequent lack of an "O" at Runes. Now I have to go, because Mary is going to kill me, and if you leave your studying for the night, I'll rise from my grave and kill you too!"

"Can I at least walk you up to Gryffindor tower?"

Truth be told, Lily did want that right now. She wanted to be with Sev, but in her current state of mind she didn't quite trust herself with him.

"I'm late already", the words came out terse and Severus even flinched a little, "besides, the Marauders will try and hex you into oblivion if they see you now. And I still don't know how to castrate Potter like I promised I'd do."

Her flimsy excuse for an excuse seemed to be working. Severus made a face at the mention of his enemy's nether regions, then pulled slightly away and seemed to find something very interesting in the distance to stare at, obviously not overly happy with her refusal.

"Right, then", he muttered. "Wish me luck, at least?"

"How could I forget", Lily grinned and rushed to hug him again, but stopped in the middle of it and only awkwardly patted him on the shoulder. "Go get 'em, Sev."

She only looked back at her friend while she was running to the castle. Her eyes didn't miss how disappointed he looked - like that day he had come out of the shadows to tell her she was a witch, but then had squabbled with Petunia instead. _I'm sorry, Sev_, she thought, feeling guilty at abandoning him like that after the promise of a full day together - and especially after that one moment. _I need time to think._


	3. Chapter 3 Trailer

**Hey there. I know this isn't really satisfying, but here's a trailer for chapter 3. This may be real, or it may be happening inside Severus' head, or both, or neither. I hope you enjoy it. The full chapter is coming soon, for those of you who like it.  
**

He was soaring in the air upside-down, flailed around by Potter's wand like a puppet. Then he thumped on the ground, landing in a heap. Everyone was chanting his nickname and he hated them for it, oh how he did. Then Lily appeared and rushed to his help, and in her eyes he saw what he had never hoped to see.

She was gazing at him as if he was some helpless child. In front of everyone. Who did she think he was? Her only link with the Wizarding World were the five years she had spent in this school and, before that, the two years she had known him. That's right, him. He had opened her eyes to the fact she was a witch, he had brought her into the Wizarding World. And now she was fancying herself so high and mighty.

She dared pity him. Him, Severus, her friend. Never had she made him look so weak. And he wouldn't have it.

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

All the jeers and taunts faded in the blink of an eye and only the echo of his words remained.

_Filthy little Mudbloods like her, Mudbloods like her, Mudblood, filthy little Mudblood, Mudblood, Mudblood, Mudblood..._

What had he done? What had he just said? Shame and guilt and horror washed over him as he looked at Lily, who was staring back with the same expression of breathless shock, as though he had slapped her on the face. Her lips moved, but no sound came out, then she turned and hurried away, her crimson hair billowing behind her like a cloak of flame. He had to stop her, had to fix this, this was all some terrible mistake, he had to make her understand, understand and forgive him. Severus felt his throat parched and dry, like he was choking. An agonising second passed, then one more. And then he ran.

"Lily!"

Severus pushed through the crowd, chasing after Lily's retreating form, screaming her name at the top of his lungs.

"Lily, please, stop, I'm sorry! I... It just... I didn't mean to, Lily, I'm so sorry, please!"

On each breath it was as if claws were piercing his throat, each word came out with a croak like an old crow, yet Severus could not stop. Through halls and stairwells he ran, racing after the girl, wheezing and coughing and crying, yes, he was crying and his face was wet. But she only stopped running away from him after a long time, when they were before the very entrance of the Gryffindor common room, where she had sought refuge. From him. His best friend was running from him. The girl he loved more than anything. A feeling of defeat overcame him. It was over.

"I'm sorry", Severus no longer knew if he was screaming or whimpering, his words ringing eerily through the empty corridors, as if to mock him. "Lily!"

Lily did nothing, just leaned on the door frame, staring ahead, as if Severus was not there. He did not know how long it had been, a second, or a day, when raised her head and looked at him, tears welling in her eyes.

He tried to say something again, to call out to her once more, but then Lily drew her lips into a tight line and glared at him with vengeance. Darkness fell over the corridor, but the emerald eyes were still just as bright. Severus took a step back as he realised with horror that they were glowing. With loathing, he knew at once. Lily hated him.

"Snivellus", was the only thing she said and the hissing sound bounced between the walls and the arches and the high ceiling, filling Severus' ears.

Then like a flash of lightning the glow exploded and everything in the hallway became awash with that dreadful green light. Blinded, Severus shielded his face with his hands. In the deafening silence that followed, he could hear his own heartbeat. When he finally withdrew his hands, the darkness was back and he could barely see the pale contours of Lily's face. No ominous light came from her eyes any more. They were shut.

Driven by a terrible premonition, he ran to her and held her in his trembling hands. She was limp and heavy, and a chill went down Severus' spine when he felt how cold her skin was.

He felt like the walls were crashing down on him and burying him alive. In another green flash, as if coming from beneath the eyelids of Lily's angelic face, Severus Snape crumbled on his knees and screamed.


End file.
